We Really Don’t Know Friendship
If you can’t walk in my shoes, do you really know vulnerability?
In today’s world, we really don’t know friendship.
Let alone, connectedness among each other.
These days I’ve noticed it’s easier to lose yourself to a corporate lifestyle, and competition, and end up self-absorbed.
It’s heartbreaking, to the point where one may not even know how self-absorbed they are — or start evaluating relationships altogether by every penny.
Half the time, no one knows what they’re dealing with inside and whom to reach out to.
My observation stems from talking to several people, and at the end of the day it’s simple —no effort means no drama, and therefore there’s a lack of consideration overall.
Note: not only does this apply to young adults and our culture, but easily applies to those who have families and are older.
The Rat Race We’ve Devoted Ourselves To.
Our careers have taken a toll on our lives, and while it’s important to build it, it’s not everything.
We used to be a community-driven species, where there was a sense of belonging and people had this culture of looking out for one another. Now we have high rates of depression, anxiety, and a loneliness epidemic that keeps on growing.
Societal structures havebroken down, and so has our perspective on maintaining relationships.
What’s the point, if we don’t follow the one principle that humans are known for, that enriches and lengthens our life?
A positive community doesn’t mean that people will be nosy.
It means that the energy will enrich our lives, we will feel a sense of understanding and the “harshness” of life seems to dial down a bit.
Corporate life exacerbates that harsh reality.
Moreso, the amount of thinking that people involve in friendships is way out of line. I’m talking about “overthinking” and excessive worrying about things that are trivial.
I’ve noticed many people protect themselves from what is known as the “dangers of society.”
Close friends are also not as prioritized when our career is at the top of the list. “Culturally we are also more focused on career success, financial accomplishments, and family milestones than we are on connection with others. Sue Johnson, one of the leading psychologists in the fields of bonding, attachment and romantic relationships, and the founder of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, pointed out that when someone lists his or her life goals (or even New Year’s resolutions), rarely does making close friends or getting closer to existing friends get mentioned.”
The loneliness epidemic is the #1 public health issue in the U.S.
We need positivity, consistency, and vulnerability in order to have deep connections.
Otherwise, friendships for meaningless fun have no weight.
I hear people tell me that their circles consist of people that delve into some deep insights but have no vulnerability. It shocks me.
However, relying on a partner to do the vulnerability work or considering family the sole support system is a lie.
According to Forbes, “The Making Care Common study highlighted how emotions like loneliness are further intensified when questions about the reliability of relationships surface. The survey showed that those who reported higher feelings of loneliness felt that they reached out and listened to people more often, and such efforts were not reciprocated from the other end — causing them to feel as if no one “genuinely cared” about them.”
Dr. Vivek Murthy, current U.S Surgeon General also says, that the major cause of heart health risks is actually loneliness and a lack of deep connection.
It’s that deep connection that we crave, but are so deprived of.
Exclusivity culture, it’s herd mentality, and how it clashes with the mobility ladder.
Colleges make it harder to fit in.
In fact, socioeconomic status makes it harder to see oneself on an even playing field within the same college.
Time magazine says, “The idea that equality of opportunity can launder unequal outcomes is a fantasy, and meritocracy is more nearly a stain than a detergent. Real progress requires confronting meritocratic inequality head-on.”
Here the ideals of college admissions transcend down to those who study in it, “A century ago, when the democratic United States adopted universal high school education, aristocratic Europeans mocked the move for wasting resources on uneducable masses. Today, elite universities — by insisting that excellence requires exclusivity — have assumed the aristocratic mantle that Europe has since discarded, only now with a meritocratic twist. But that is as false now as it was then.”
Now, those who are disadvantaged or don’t have the same resources often find themselves wondering where this exclusivity culture comes from, “In many respects, the institutions reflect the wealth inequality that spans the nation and demonstrate an inability to properly address it. The kids may be top students, but the culture of money and luxury brands that infests the campuses leaves them feeling like lower-class outcasts rather than full members of the community. “Money,” writes Jack, “remains a requirement for full citizenship in college, despite institutional declarations to the contrary… By contrast, Doubly Disadvantaged students have a steeper climb in college. “These students experience a huge jump . . . in everything from social expectations to cultural norms.”
The idea that there should be cliques, and a sense of superiority drives us to the brink of isolation. It transcends in the North East culture, where being entitled is key to figuring out the haves and the have nots.
Disney Channel ruined female friendships.
What is up with Disney Channel integrating romance in everything?
I loved Wizards of Waverly Place, but I was tired of how romantic relationships were always a priority.
One of the biggest issues in our society today, is that romantic relationships are considered a way to fulfill our emotional needs and nothing else. No one is taught vulnerability the same way in friendships — — more often in female friendships which is quite shocking. They are used as placeholders until we get into romantic relationships — however, we fail to realize that sisterhood is what helps us be our best selves.
Labeling ourselves as “extroverts” and “introverts” hurts our potential and key values in the long run.
Be an “extrovert” to hang around people, but never understand what someone might be going through.
This concept really irritates me.
Our education system teaches us how to be open and friendly with people without deciphering who we are or what we need.
We’re taught that being around people is key, never knowing how to break the ice or know someone beneath the surface.
I’ve had countless conversations with people who say that friends are “just for meaningless fun” or for “surface-level talks.”
Apparently, not many value deep bonds and many won’t invest time in getting to know you.
Dear introverts, you’ve got good qualities, but please stop hiding behind a label.
A certain persona I keep noticing from the ones who constantly label themselves as an introvert (no offense, it’s just a constant pattern I've seen for years), are more likely to yield insecurities and fears. Not all so-called “introverts” are insecure, however, this persona with their constant thinking is a recipe for disaster in the long run, because overall, it’s limiting one’s potential to add value to one’s life.
It’s an overused and often misused term.
There needs to be a balance in mindset, whether it’s extrovert or introvert.
The art of connection starts from acknowledging that everyone will be a tad bit awkward in presenting themselves, to begin with.
Do you know your core values?
Do you know how to break the ice and find places that energize you?
The wrong people are draining for anyone, and I don’t know why no one assesses the qualities of the people who align with them.
Whenever we box ourselves, it creates a comfort zone — where we get too comfortable.
The conservative mindset is where one believes you should only stay at home and it’s healthy.
The lack of balance creates this idea that people add drama to other people’s lives — — but if you don’t determine wavelength and understanding, then people should only add value to our lives.
News flash, it’s not and contributes to a very unhealthy mindset.
Overall, people are not meant to add drama; even if you have few meaningful bonds, that matters much more in the long run.
The ones who say they don’t need friends and only need a partner live in a very insecure world. Surface-level friends mean you don’t know how to break the ice and branch further into vulnerability.
Here’s an article by Tim Denning that sums up why this inhibits our growth if we don’t balance things:
We both get tired at the same rate, so let's stop labeling it as solely an “introvert hangover.”
There are ways to balance energy, and everyone gets tired. Life is tiring.
I’m good at social management, and heck, even I get tired and drained.
“Despite the sheer number of blogs and books on the subject, however, there’s actually very little evidence that introverts are uniquely susceptible to this social hangover. In fact, one of the few studies directly examining fatigue and sociable, extroverted behavior actually suggests that everyone — introverts and extroverts alike — is worn out by social situations.”
We both get tired after 3 hours. Extroverts think less but work hard to maintain the energy of the room, and introverts think and absorb much more than needed, creating an energy drain.
Also, it has nothing to do with the way you approach people.
Immigrant culture and the hierarchy of the family to friends.
No, family and relationships should not be at the top of the hierarchy pyramid.
In fact that blinds us from truly developing a chosen family, where we understand each other, and confide in each other.
A big possibility might also be how a family might also not have your best interest at heart.
You might face abuse, gender bias, a restricted lifestyle, and many conservative ideas that inhibit your growth.
If you can’t find friends to confide in, then there’s no mutual understanding — or the understanding becomes a passive notion that might be mutually understood but never explained.
The fear-driven perspective of “clinging on to the past.”
We have a lot of fear when it comes to finding like-minded people.
I’ve seen a lot of people for example, in the South Asian community, that cling to the connections they’ve made in the past, but if they come across someone who is welcoming and like-minded, they don’t bother with building a connection out of fear.
Since when did our herd mentality prevent us from building true connections?
In a hypermasculine world:
We’ve taken categorization, insecurity, and ego to the extreme.
The intimacy of friendship, begins with positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.
So if you can’t walk in my shoes, do you really know vulnerability?
Do you know what it’s like to be in the same headspace when someone’s going through a tough time?
Or is it all about giving this cold shoulder — where one’s ability and privilege comes first.
