2022, The Year of Self Worth
My year in review.
My deepest thoughts at 1 AM.
I’ve lowkey started to think I take life too seriously.
However, I think life makes me think too seriously.
My new year’s resolution was to surrender to the universe and be more in the flow.
Not gonna lie…was the hardest thing to do.
I’m not great at it, it’s been a harmless struggle of wanting to exert sole control thinking the outcome would be dependent on my actions.
I was absolutely wrong.
I’ve had things I’ve worked hard for, for years, build up only to snap apart in three seconds.
So let’s deep dive into the year of self-worth, and how I really believe I’m on the path to being my best self.
I was never taught the ways of the world.
Yes, this is true.
My parents were so fixated on surviving what was thrown at them, that alike any human being, they neglected the part of imparting the ways of the world.
When it comes to dating, South Asian women don’t know how to date.
When it comes to our careers, we are never taught negotiation skills.
When it comes to living my best life in my undergrad, I had no idea how to squeeze every minute of it.
When it comes to determining what friends are on our wavelength, we have no clue how to do it.
I was confused about how they were so confident to send me off to college when I was too naive and innocent to navigate it — — I could have landed in serious trouble. After all, I was taught how to navigate the world from a place of fear.
So I started questioning every aspect of my life.
“Why wasn’t I respected and heard,” was my biggest internal struggle all year.
I always had family members or family friends be quick to disrespect my persona, who I was at my core, or flat out insult me.
Weak men gain the approval of other weak men.
I could never be Nandini.
It was always “this is so and so’s father’s daughter” and it was so painful to watch.
After one incident, I decided to really sit down and determine the value of boundaries.
I was hurt when a family friend decided to see how I didn’t have family members on the same page as me, and then use it to argue why I wasn’t married yet. It was dehumanizing to see that someone could assess a broken household emotionally, mentally, and spiritually — — and then decide to dictate my worth based on it.
It was a pivotal turning point.
Dating highlighted my biggest insecurities and showed me what the world really is.
It’s a scary place for women who are genuine.
Genuine women can’t thrive in dating unless they have the strongest boundaries on the planet. I’m talking —absolutely no flirting until commitment and nothing sexual until i’m comfortable.
I’ve learned the principles of self-worth and how they lead to healthier and stronger relationships.
Subconsciously I really felt throughout my entire life that it shouldn't be this hard to be authentically who you are.
The world had a different idea. I noticed the men I was interacting with were often insecure because they couldn't match the persona I had or at least respect it.
Respect is #1 in my book for any relationship — — family, partners, friends — anyone.
However, I never knew that deep down I wasn’t embodying the concept of how I am 100% completely whole as I am, and any guy who wants what I have would value me — — and most importantly — — respect me.
I knew that I was a balanced person and that I had many attributes that others didn’t. When you’re used to hearing that you’re too opinionated or that no guy will like you, and more than that, treated by a male figure in your family as if you’re some disposable thing — subconsciously you have no idea what’s buried inside of you. Honestly, it might be the most hidden insecurity you have that you aren’t aware of.
I came across a few women on TikTok who inspired me to reassess parts of my life. The minute that things clicked, was when I realized that I wasn’t aligning with the right type of pool of people, guys, and that gender separation was ingrained in my family. All the circles I’ve been in, taught gender separation, which induced fear rather than understanding. This gives a more unequal power dynamic where one can easily perpetuate toxic masculinity. I haven’t been exposed to many world-class men, but some people have been examples in my life of harnessing the right kind of masculinity. In today’s world, we’re prone to ego and power but never gender understanding.
When I realized how our agency is correlated to inner peace.
A woman’s agency is always attacked in this world. It’s never considered worthy of equal human dignity or respect.
I learned that the hard way.
Being in our true feminine essence always leads to this idea that we can be underestimated, whereas, I find it to be the real reason why we thrive.
I’ve never understood how hookup culture was ingrained, and accepted, despite seeing the consequences (i.e no commitment, the illusion of options, etc).
When I stopped dating, I found so much peace. So far it’s been six months, and the amount of peace it brings, when you focus on your own growth and healing, makes you feel like everything is unnecessary and pure chaos.
I have the agency of whether or not I would like to devote my time to situationships. Now that I’ve realized that it’s giving the other person more power, and doesn’t establish what one would want, I find it a breather.
The day I find a man I genuinely respect, before friendship or something romantic, is the day I’m waiting for. I’ve seen a few world-class men among my friends, so it gives me hope in the long run.
I can’t sit in despair thinking that I would never find the right match for me, no matter how scared I am of dying with no one at my bedside.
Or my love letters unaddressed to someone, left in a box.
The 11-year escapade gave me time to sit and reflect.
I visited the motherland after 11 years.
When the family and I touched down at Delhi Airport, I was in disbelief that this place existed.
It was such a mixed bag of emotions. I realized I was more capable than I thought. Yet, when we visited Nagpur I was so mentally exhausted from dealing with life for more than a decade, that I just worked on building my relationship with the universe.
The dust pollution nearly killed me, but the warmth, and having genuine and grounded family near you feel like a protective space where you really don’t want to leave. I loved having like-minded people around me where I felt secure — — something I never feel in New York. It’s the isolation and lack of trust among the population that doesn’t bring in a healthy community.
I was so numb to what I had lost, that I didn’t feel like processing anything. The sunrise every morning was so beautiful, that I just sat there, meditated, and felt whole. On the last day, I was there, I looked at the sunset, and teared up knowing that I couldn’t go back in time.
All it took were finances, control, and a toxic family to separate the ones who truly loved me. If you ever felt like something left a part of your heart and you had no explanation why that’s exactly how it was. I have no mercy left for the paternal side of my family, who never added value to my life. Just sheer anger and pain. My mother didn’t deserve to be separated from her parents. She didn’t deserve her personality to be shredded apart — — the worst part being, that the world laughs at her, but never looks twice to see the pain she holds within.
I have no solution for it, I’m stuck in purgatory knowing that I should move on, but it would be an injustice to forget or to not grieve.
I couldn’t visit Shimla and pay respect to the house my mother grew up in. That part of the grieving process is what’s left.
For the incoming year:
I’ve cried so much this year, or moreso in the last five years, that this was the year where if I didn’t put my foot down and build the value of my existence, I wouldn’t know how to bring in peace for every aspect of my life.
I have a lot of work to do, many attributed in memory to my grandparents, for the ones I haven’t been able to grieve properly — — to live their wildest dreams.
I’ve been finding people in alignment, and hope to find more, where my friendships don’t make me doubt my high standards. In fact, it’s the true sisterhood I’ve been searching for my whole life.
In the next few years, I’m ready to evolve and become the person on my truest path.
A Nandini that lives with ease, brings in some of the softness she’s been missing and is the captain of her faith.
